I have been wrestling with the fact that I have Lupus...
Let me give the back story...I have felt not right for about 5 years, something that I could never put my finger on, but I knew that I was not well. After going to the doctor frequently during this time for various things-tachycardia, fatigue, just generally not feeling well, in December 2011 I developed fevers for a month, I was at the doctor weekly, I was weak and could not eat, I felt like death-and my Doctor could not figure it out.
On December 25 2011 I was in the bathtub praying to God to just let me make it through the day. I heard a voice say that it was going to be ok. Not my voice, only I heard it, it gave me peace. I made so many promises-to be a better Christian, Mother, Person. I started trying to live better, to get my thoughts right, and to be that person. Then in January, I did feel better, but my right foot went numb and I was still having fevers. I thought I had a clot in my foot so I went to the Emergency Room, there I had labs drawn and was told to go to my family doctor the next day. So I went to the Doctor and ended up admitted to the hospital, and there was still no answers, no relief in symptoms, but I felt ok, but looked like death on all of the paperwork. Finally the testing was done for an autoimmune disorder, which had been done in the past, finally I had an answer. Lupus. I was so upset to have a chronic illness, one that could effect me the rest of my life.
I accepted the fact that I had Lupus. I felt that I got the disease because I need to slow down, I was so selfish-not being with my family and working too much. I did not give enough and I did not know God. I thought very poorly of myself.
I am a fixer. So I joined a wonderful Church, went every Sunday, became a giver, quit working all over the country and started saying no-when asked to do things that I could never do, volunteered more with my daughter's school, with Church. Now I help with elementary Sunday school. I don't do kids, but I am doing this and I love it. I am a Jesus Freak-I never thought I would say that. But I am. So I have been fighting in my mind-why do I have Lupus...I never thought God gave me the disease, I just thought that I was being tested on how I was handling the disease and how I was going forward.
Today I went to Church for a small group meeting, totally should not have been there the leader is in New Orleans on vacation. So mistakenly the other Lady in the group and I met up. I really gave her my testimony. She asked me as others have, do I think that God gave me the illness and I said no...I think I have been having this for awhile now, and it just came to a head. Then we went on and had a lovely meeting.
Little did I know that this would be a mind altering day. As I was driving to work in my car suddenly I knew, that God was listening to my prayers, and his promises were true. I realized that I had been sick for years with an unknown illness, and now I have answer to why I did not feel good. I knew that if my foot would has not gone numb I would have not gotten diagnosed with Lupus, I would have gone on feeling badly. Now, due to God's goodness and perfect promises, I am getting treatment and I feel normal.
God gave me more than I ever asked for that day. I now feel healthier, more loving, more loved, more spiritually sound, I just have so much more. Thank you Lord for all of my blessings!!! I hope that I prove worthy of them all.
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